We're Engaged!!! ♥♥♥♥

**This post is going to be kind of heavy and sensitive, so I apologize in advance if there are hurt feelings. And I also want to preface that I am nowhere near perfect, especially when it comes to judging others, but it is something I am trying to work on**

Jesse and I are engaged!! Wow!! I still can’t believe it ♥♥ It was literally the bestest proposal a girl could ask for. Seriously perfect ♥ I’ve definitely had a lot of mixed feelings these past few days. I just found out that one of my sisters is moving and won’t physically be here to help me with all the wedding stuff which really sucks. [But I know she’s going to do amazing things because she is an incredible lady(: ] And man. All of a sudden all of the things I’ve pinned on Pinterest, I’m actually going to have to worry about haha. We are starting to look at venues and have finally decided a date… TBA ;) … and the questions just keep coming.

I woke a couple weeks ago and decided to scroll through my lover’s Facebook because I missed him and let’s be real… he’s way cute(: Anyway haha, as I was scrolling through, I ended up stumbling across his proposal video to his ex. It took a while for me to figure out what I was feeling. I was sad because I know that things ended really badly and that Jess really struggled with it. I was a little angry that it was still on his page, even though I know without a shadow of a doubt that he doesn’t talk to her. And I was also a little hurt to be reminded that I’m not his first, but that’s also something I’ve known since we started dating. Having all these mixed emotions, I asked him if I could delete all the posts that had to do with her. He obliged, in doing so, I can’t help but think that I hurt him in some sort of way. And what’s sad is, despite everyone, and I mean LITERALLY everyone, who he has introduced me to have told me that she was an awful person and abused Jesse in various ways, all I could think of were the “what if’s” and comparisons. Like “Oh, she’s so skinny… or pretty…” and then the thoughts of, “He’s going to get tired of me… or regret being with me because I’m not skinny like her… or pretty like her.”

I know that all of these are silly thoughts and I have really been trying to stop that kind of thinking, but I also know that it is going to take a lot of time. I’ve gotten so used to thinking I’m too big or too fat to fit in or to be considered pretty, that I’ve also gotten used to comparing myself to others.And I know it’s silly, but the thing about our wedding that is stressing me out the most is how I’m going to look in a wedding dress. I’ve seen soooo many episodes of “Say Yes to the Dress” and my dream of getting married is coming true and yet I’m doubting myself and my ability to change. I am such an emotional eater, that any progress I may see in myself quickly fades. I work out for a few days and eat fairly decently, and then I slip up and get frustrated with myself, so I eat. I eat when I’m upset, when I’m lonely, bored, happy, hell I even eat when I’m not hungry.

Sometimes I really hate society and the “norms” that have been created and in place for so long. I saw these pictures on Facebook a little while back and it’s something I’ve wanted to talk about. I know not everything in these pictures directly mimic things I’ve been through, but I’ve definitely known others who have and I’ve felt the same self-disappointment they are trying to portray.

**I know this is not really following where I was going, but it all ties in at the end, I promise**

I just don’t understand how people can think or even say things like this. And I won’t lie, I joke about my period all the time… and I think it could’ve been what got me so worked up about the proposal video, because I started mine a few days later haha. But I know that I get very emotional right before and during my periods. It’s these times that I hate myself the most. I remember all the nasty things I’ve ever told myself or have been told by others, and then I eat, and eat, and eat.

But in all seriousness, we are ALL human! Nobody is perfect, and if you think you are, you probably need a reality check. I feel like one of the most powerful stories in the Bible is when Jesus says, “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” And not one soul could pick one up. I’m probably preaching to the choir, but let your neighbor, the lady at the grocery store with crying children, the veteran has lost everything, or anybody you see be. Everyone is fighting a freaking demon of some sort and if you’re not going to lend a hand, just walk away. Don’t make things harder on those who are struggling… aka everybody…

No one person’s destiny is the same as another, we all learn at different speeds and in different ways. I believe that humans in general need to focus on bettering themselves; not to be selfish, but in terms of becoming kinder and less judge-y. It feels as if the human race has become negligent to who they are, and more focused on who others feel they should be. And from personal experience, that gets you nowhere. 23 years later, and I still am trying to figure out who I am because I was too focused on trying to measure up to who everyone made me out to be.

I know this post is kind of all over the place but I have a lot on my mind right now. One thing I think is super important to remember, but also is really hard to, is that you need to be YOURSELF. You can't change anybody around you, but you can change yourself. And you can love yourself. Take it from me. I'm still learning how to, but it's slowly happening.

I do have a few goals for myself as we close the end of this year and are onto another. I would like to (1) better myself by focusing on the positive and by really trying to work on my eating habits. I, along with this goal, would like to start exercising so that I can feel more confident in myself (and so I can stop stressing about what I will look like in a wedding dress haha). And just so I can have a little bit of accountability – I am currently at 260lbs. So bear with me as I journey to better my body and mind. (2) I want to make sure that I catch myself when judgement of others arises. I would like to instead switch it to a positive; whether that be a quality or trait I see in someone. I would also like to not be so involved in gossip. I’ve noticed that it truly can change one’s view of someone dramatically… and that’s not right.

I would appreciate any suggestions y'all may have on motivation! And I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and may all the blessings be yours ♥♥♥ Here’s to 2020!!