Somewhere in the Middle of Nowhere

We are all on different journeys and sometimes it may feel like we are stuck the middle of nowhere... but that in and of itself is an adventure.

**I want to preface this post by letting you know that I am not sharing any of this to make you feel bad for me. It is not a pity post. I am simply telling my story so you can gain a better understanding of who I am, where I am in life, and what I hope to gain from this blog**

I feel like I'm a not-so-average person. And when I say that, it comes with a lot of me comparing myself to those around me - whether that's looks, personality, wealth... etc, it's just how I grew up. Now don't get me wrong, I was never taught to make myself feel less-than, I just have really struggled with my self-esteem and always felt very alone.

I had a wonderful home life. I was adopted at two days old by my parents who are superheroes to me. I have four wonderful younger siblings who make life incredibly fun! We all grew up playing some type of music. My mom, my sister Kessa and I all play the violin. The youngest three siblings, Isaac, Nadia, and Eric all play piano, and at one point my dad did too.

I was raised in a very strong Latter-day Saint (LDS/Mormon) home. We would go to church every Sunday and participated in various church roles and activities. However, I never felt like I fit in with those around me. I became addicted to pornography when I was in 7th grade and went a year and a half without anyone knowing. When my parents found out, they were devastated and made me go and talk to our Bishop. It was really hard for me to do and made me not want to go back.

Another thing that was really hard for me, was that I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I would go to church and always felt ignored and alone. Especially when my peers would talk about all the dates and dances they were going to or about all the people they had kissed. I went on very few dates in high school and never once got asked to a school dance. Being a part of Student Government made it that much more saddening when I would have to go to these dances for credit anyway.

When I was a junior, my parents signed me up for a physical trainer. I was livid. How could my parents do that to me? I was so embarrassed and betrayed. Getting me to the GYM was a struggle in and of itself because I dreaded going. I felt that the people I trusted the most didn't love me because I wasn't fitting in with social standards. Now I've always been the heaviest in my family. My siblings are all super sporty, my mom is a runner, and my dad does a lot of extreme weight lifting stuff. While I was with my trainer, I saw a little bit of improvement in my weight, but then I hit a road block. I wasn't changing my eating habits and therefore wasn't losing any extra weight. This caused me to eat and eat and eat to calm my emotions. There was one time I was in a fight with someone... and I won't say who... but they were so frustrated with me that they said, "Bella, guys don't date fat girls!" And there is nothing in the world that hurt so much.

I was only with my trainer for a year and graduated high school in 2015. I had the option of going to Southern Utah University (SUU) with a scholarship or to Brigham Young University - Idaho (BYU-I) with one of my best friends. Towards the end of August, I prepared to head up to BYU-I in Rexburg, Idaho. I came to the conclusion that college reminded me more of high school than I was expecting. Feeling out of place is something I just got used to especially when it came to guys. I just didn't have any luck.

Besides English, the class I struggled with the most was my religion class. It didn't help that it was at 7:30 in the morning and freezing cold all the time, but I resented my professor. We studied a lot from the Bible and he was also a Hebrew expert and would break down everything. I was already struggling to understand the lessons because I never felt I could relate to them. I didn't feel like a higher being could love me because no one else seemed to either.

Towards the end of October of 2015, one of my roommates started her mission papers to serve a mission for the LDS church. She was so excited and had heard so many wonderful things from her boyfriend, who was serving a mission at the time. Thinking it would help me be a good example to my siblings, I started my mission papers as well. I had them finished in a week and sent them in. After finishing my first semester at college, I moved home, and waiting for me at my house was my mission call. I invited everyone and three of my friends showed up, one of my friends and one of my uncles face timed in, and my siblings and parents were there. Upon opening my call, I read that I was to be serving in the Ventura, California mission speaking English and would depart for my mission on January 27, 2016.

To be completely honest, I was kind of angry. My dad's family is from that area, and most of them are still there. I felt that God wanted me to be babysat. Eventually I got over that and was really excited. My mission is definitely one of the greatest experiences I've had in my life. It helped me learn a lot about myself and how to better serve and understand others. While serving, I was about eight months into my mission, I got a call informing me that my uncle had passed away. I won't get into all the details because that would make this that much longer, but I was crushed. I wasn't allowed to go home for the funeral and the next time I taught the Plan of Salvation, I realized that I didn't know if I truly believed everything I was teaching. I knew it by heart because of how I was raised, but I had never had anything in my life shake that. The rest of my mission was really trying. I wanted to prove to myself that I really did believe everything but I think I made it hard on my companions.

I returned home after 18 months in August of 2017. And after a couple weeks, I was headed back to BYU-I. Going to a student ward sucked. Every week felt like a competition between the girls to see who could get the guys. It also felt like every lesson was somehow about marriage - which is the next step after a mission. I had lost what little faith I had left because I couldn’t seem to find a relationship with a God.

I still had no luck with guys and ended up downloading Tinder and Mutual. No one on Mutual would ever talk to me, but on Tinder I had a lot of nice conversations with people. Then they would meet me in person and never talk to me again. Perks of getting to choose your photos I guess. I became very depressed and struggled with being around large groups of people. I was so worried of what others thought of me. I ended up skipping church or would just go for the first hour because I didn't want to be around the girls who got the guys.

I came to the realization that I had no identity of my own. Growing up I was such a people-pleaser. Everyone told me who I was going to be and what I was going to do, but I wasn't ever truly happy. I wanted another piercing, hell I wanted to get tattoos, but being LDS, those things would be sins. Not knowing what I really was anymore, I decided I was going to get another piercing. In fact, one of my roommates pierced it with a push pin! It felt so good to not be tied down.

In my depressed state, I turned to pornography again. I longed to be wanted by someone. A few days before I moved home, one of the guys I had been talking to on Tinder invited me over. Up until this point, I had never even been kissed by a guy... and I was 21. I was so done with everyone telling me how I was so innocent because I knew I wasn't, but no one would believe me. I was at this guy's house and I was talking about my day and sat down on the couch and all of a sudden he was kissing me. My guard was down and that night I was no longer a virgin. After a while he asked me if I've ever wanted to try anything and he was referring to beer. He went and got some and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I moved back home and screwed around with a few other guys. I loved that guys were paying attention to me. It felt soooo good to be wanted. Unfortunately I was naive and ended up wasting over $2000 on guys who would promise me relationships and never come through. So Tinder was a very off and on thing. In fact, I'm not a stranger to many different dating apps like Bumble, Hinge, and even Farmers Only haha.

Eventually I ended up moving away from home to Logan, Utah for a job opportunity to be a manager. I stayed at that job for a few months before it turned to shit. It wasn't the smartest move to quit on my part because I didn't have a backup plan, and even though everywhere was hiring, everyone was out for the 4th of July. I quickly dug myself into a financial rut and moved back home.

While I was living in Logan, I downloaded my Tinder app... again... and was lucky enough to meet Jesse. He's been my rock these last few months and has helped me start to discover who I am. He has taught me to not be afraid of what others think of me and to live life to the fullest. And by no means am I fixed. I still have lots of insecurities and doubts about myself, but I have been able to be stronger than the things that have cause so many road blocks in my life.

Looking back on my life, I still feel like a not-so-average person, but in a way that's healthy. It took almost 23 years to feel this way too. Being able to quiet my insecurities and fears has opened up a whole new world to me. It's exciting and thrilling even. I've been able to set new goals and have a desire to accomplish them because they are 100% mine. One of the main reasons I have created this blog is so I can keep myself accountable to the various goals I set... which will be discussed in other posts(:

I truly do believe that there are beautiful things and extraordinary people in this world and this will be my proof.